Stones

Oh curse this heart of a thousand stones
And find a home to grow alone
A heart of more than flesh and bones
And things I can’t imagine.

For every smile upon my face
Is laced with bitterness and hate
Of things I cannot change,
And things I cannot fathom.

I was a pawn in the hands of fate,
Picked and placed without a way
To break the chains of my skin.
Now I sit again stagnating
With pen and hand and heart still shaking
Upon the path my soul is taking
Or being taken from.

Yet I will find a way to grow
More hope along this narrow road,
Load my heart with brighter tones
And throw away the stones.

Things we can and cannot change

There is a wise proverb: "We must accept what we cannot change." The hard thing is to figure out what we can change, how we can change it, and the way we should change it.

Why people are more than biological machines

Imagine a program which reprogrammed and developed its own programming based on inputted information. The original program could be quite simple – as simple as that first sentence, in fact. Yet very quickly the complexity of the program would exceed its initial complexity. This program would, in a way, be alive.

This, I believe, is an appropriate analogy of the human mind. This effect is why I believe our thoughts can in some way transcend our biology. Our thoughts are not constrained by our DNA, our biology, and our physical environment because we are to greater or lesser extents metacognitive. We think about how we think, and can change how we think accordingly – just like the above example of the self-programming program. We are an example of complex adaptive systems - and very complex ones at that.

The reason I thought all that is because I’ve just heard that some people reduce thought and will to naturalistic, socio-biological phenomenological effects. The conclusion of such argumentation is that ethics and morality has evolved by socio-biological mechanisms, and that we are basically just biological zombies, robots, or animals. Because we are metacognitive, I believe our thoughts are not solely determined by biology and social phenomena. We are human, I think, precisely because we have this capacity to transcend the physicality of the atoms, proteins, cells and organs that make up our physical bodies. Instead, we can engage with ideas and thoughts which don’t exist in physical stuff – but which exist nonetheless. Perhaps even more amazingly, we can experience life consciously, rather than simply being biological machines with no self-awareness of our existence. Our cognitive processes emerge into a level above merely biological processes. In other words, I think that what it means to be human cannot be reduced to the atoms, proteins and biological processes in us. Recent advances in artificial intelligence (e.g. the controversial HTM) do seem to provide support for the idea that intelligence can indeed emerge from complex adaptive systems composed of natural, physical components.

We are somewhat like words – on a physical level, words are just markings on a page, but on another level, words convey meaning far beyond their physical nature. Another analogy would be one of Beethoven’s great pieces of music; on one level it can exist as written music, but it is not confined to that level of existence. It can be played and heard. It can be transcribed to other sheets of paper, and in doing so it transcends the physicality of the original written score. There are many examples of a system of physical or “natural” components creating more complexity than the sum of the physical components themselves. People, I think, are a very complex example of the same thing. And we are even more complex because we change our "program" based on the inputs we receive – both of physical things and of ideas that exist somehow beyond the physical realm.

This, I think, is why being human is so wonderful.

Getting information vs learning wisdom

I'm not very good at teaching. I fail, I think, precisely because I try to be too accurate in what I say. There's an example. As a consequence, I fear that what I write does little to help people but simply gives them reason to dislike me or my views.

Trying to explain ideas precisely sometimes looses the whole gestalt of what's being explained. It would be like describing the Mona Lisa by a very accurate list of Cartesian coordinates and colours. It might be very accurate, but you miss the whole effect of the painting (a cool part of it, from memory, is how it appears she is always looking at you). It is much better to bring someone to the Mona Lisa so that they know the painting on more than just a level of factual information.

Giving people facts and information sometimes doesn't really help them in the way they need to be helped. I think I'm about to begin considering opinions and even true statements in that category. People can learn more facts, but more facts don't necessarily make someone any wiser.

I think I've placed far too much emphasis on trying to convey facts and information, and far too little on the skill of wisdom. I mean, if we knew all the facts and information in the world, what good would it do us? Facts cannot ever tell us how it is good to think. They cannot guide how we should interpret them and see the world. Facts are facts. Information is information. What I would like to do is not merely give people information, but to teach them wisdom.

You'll notice, especially when I point it out, that I didn't say "give people wisdom". That's because wisdom is not something you can "give" like information. It's more like the skill of playing a piano, for example. I can play it for you, explain some useful concepts to help playing, and serve as a guide to help you learn - but you have to learn it. Just telling you things isn't what will ultimately get you to play the piano well.

So, I see that on this blog especially, I've been basically trying to convey my ideas about things. Information... As if that is what would actually benefit people. I'm not sure such information is of much benefit to people. But helping people to be wise, that is something of great benefit to people. Perhaps I can learn not only more wisdom myself, but the wisdom of how to nurture wisdom in others too. Perhaps. I think I have much to learn... so to begin my learning, I will stop typing.

Focussing on wants rather than opportunities

I’m sick of wanting things. I want more free time. I want to be successful, liked, and funny. I want to fit in but somehow be respected and esteemed because I’m unique. I want to know more but not grow older. What don’t I want? Ironically, I don’t want this desire I have of wanting things. Wants are never fulfilled, because if they are, they become “haves” instead of “wants”. All wants ever do for me, or perhaps to me, is make me more bitter for not having what I think I should have. It’s stupid, really.

What will I do? Trying to not want things doesn’t work. It just leaves this temporary vacuum in my mind that quickly slurps in more things to want when I’m not looking, like a mischievous little child beside an empty cookie jar… Trying to want different things doesn’t work, because I’d still be wanting things and it would just shift the target.

No, a much better idea I had today is to replace this want of things all together with something better. The thought I had today was that maybe I could look and be glad for what opportunities I have instead. Looking at opportunities seems better, because instead of being off in a daydream wishing I had what I wanted I could be engaging the real world. Looking at opportunities is seeing what I can actually do instead of being distracted by what I wish I could do, and it might help keep my outlandish expectations more realistic.

This idea gives me the opportunity to start thinking in a different way, and perhaps prevent myself from becoming a bitter old man who never got what he wanted and never wanted what he got. See, I didn’t say that I want to start thinking in a different way, I said it was an opportunity. That way, if I don't manage to take this opportunity, I won't be depressed that I haven't got yet another thing to add to my enormous pile of things I don't have. Yes, that's the pile I'm sick of. But missed opportunities don't pile up on top of me like wants, they just drift of out of sight if you're looking ahead for more opportunities.

I now have the opportunity to end. =)

Will my iPod make me happy?

Let me break the silence of my blog once more... to say something that will probably get lost amidst the loud hubbub of our busy lives.

I recently was given an iPod for my birthday. It's great. But the thing that struck me is this: I was quite happy without one. I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. Having got one, I am not more happy than I was before.

In a flurry of thought I have reached the following conclusion: we can be just as happy without things as we can with them. Beyond the basic needs of survival and safety, happiness simply doesn't seem to be dependent upon the things we own. This makes me wonder what it is that does actually make us happy. Is happiness an attitude? An outlook on life? I think so.

My thought is this: if you can't be happy without what you don't have, you probably won't be happy with what you do have.

Of course, I also question the value our culture culture on "happiness". I think there are is a deeper kind of joy that is somehow much more satisfying than getting good stuff or having good things happen. And maybe that's it - maybe happiness is something that's based on successes or positive turn of events. Maybe it is built on the idea of things changing for the "better". Perhaps that sort of attitude is bound to lead to disappointment when we find life doesn't just keep getting "better".

So perhaps instead, there is a kind of joy that isn't built on change, but on somehow appreciating and en-joy-ing the things that you already have. Even when things change undesirably, perhaps that kind of joy might somehow learn to see that as an acceptable part of the roller-coaster ride of life. Perhaps one can actually be joyful in the midst of undesirable events. Perhaps joy is a skill that you can learn to have whenever and wherever you are.

Perhaps I have tasted a little bit of this joy... like those fleeting moments that seem significant but are over before you have a chance to understand why, or those times where you see something little that makes you smile for a second but you don't know why. But I would like to discover something beyond the happiness that our culture ascribes to getting good things. I want to find the sort of joy that never gets drowned out by the drone of traffic, the wet squish of rain in my shoes on a cold winter's day, and the music from my iPod.

Optimism

I've decided to try to be more optimistic, because I think it's actually a lot more enjoyable than being pessimistic.

Some people think life is mostly bad. Others, mostly good. I think, philosophically, life is neutral. It's not good or bad, it just happens and it is what it is. The events of our lives have no ethical, moral, or emotional significance in and of themselves - we give them significance through our beliefs about them. It is our beliefs about situations that make them "good" or "bad" (and this is a good thing, otherwise life would be pointless).

So then by being careful what we think about situations, we can actually see them as being more "good" and less "bad". Let me explain more, borrowing a useful insight about our reactions to the events of life that I found on Lieslnet.com, an interesting site:

Dr Albert Ellis, prominent psychology researcher developed the ABC model to explain our reaction to adversity.

A is the adversity.
B is our belief about the adversity and
C is the consequence of our belief.

Our reaction to adversity is not so much a result of the adversity but a result of our belief about the adversity.

Interesting. There are a series of articles on the site discussing this and what makes us optimistic or pessimistic here, here, and here.

So perhaps our overall philosophy isn't what makes us optimistic or pessimistic, but rather it is the sum of each thought we have in response to each situation. Our habits of thought become "bedded in", and become quite hard to change. The trick, I think, is understanding what our habits of thought are and finding other ways to think about situations.

It's not a magical "3 steps to a happy life". Life doesn't work that way. But I think it's possible to see more good in life so that we can deal better with the bad, and I intend to try.

Carpe diem

Quintus Horatius Flaccus, the great Roman poet at the turn of the first century, wrote:

Even as we speak, envious time is running away from us. Seize the day, and trust as little as possible in the future. (Odes 1.11)

"Carpe diem", he wrote in latin. "Seize the day". I never used to understand, but now I realise that life does indeed pass us by if we let it. It's the default option. We have at least some power to make life fulfilling, enjoyable, and rich both for us and for others, and I have resolved to not just let life go by. I want to grab it by the horns, and not just wish my life would look a different way. There are still things I can't control, but I think I will feel much happier if I am at least doing what I can.

The idea is not to manage to increase the quantity of my life, but increase the quality of it. By paying attention, I hope it's possible to refine what I'm doing with my time. Weed out the things that are not really worth spending time on, and instead intentially planting things that are worthwhile. It's like making the most with the garden you have, rather than getting a bigger one to make a mess of.

The concept extends to my hopes and dreams for what I want to do with my life. I need to get a few goals and figure out what I want to put my energy into. Then, I need to actually start doing something toward those goals. It's a bit like chores that don't really need to be done. It's so easy to think, someday soon I'll do this or that. But "someday" never comes unless we make it come.

Too often, I think we seem to rely on life just "happening" to us, hoping that it will happen well as if by chance. I don't think it does. Living life to the fullest doesn't happen by chance. I need to recognise my life is my own, and start owning my life. Little things first. Walk before running. Master managing a few minutes of my day before trying to master the remaining years of my life. It's a simple concept really. I'm surprised it's taken me so many years to grasp it.

I would challenge you to not just sit there as consumers of life, hoping that other people will make you feel fulfilled, make you happy, make you feel like someone you'd look up to. Life isn't a product we can buy, it's an art that we do. Life is not a spectator sport. So get some vision. See some worthwhile, challenging but great things to do - not for yourself but for other people. Take initiative. Involve yourself and other people. Work out what you're going to do differently. Show people you do care, because a fulfilling life doesn't come from only caring about ourselves. Love beyond yourself.

These are the thoughts that have been challenging and changing me, all bundled up into two words:

Carpe diem.

Live now.

People are a mixture of good and bad

A quick thought... Christians often take a very black and white view of people - completely perfect OR "sinner". I think this often leads to people not noticing all the good in people, even those who don't call themselves "Christians". I see people as not all bad, but a mixture of good and bad.

It's tempting for Christians to think that the good in people is "tainted" by their bad. And this is true in one sense, but adding mud to pure water. But also think we can see true goodness in people despite their other bad character traits. I like to think of the good parts of people's characters as being like nuggets of gold, treasure in the midst of more mundane clay and hard stone. Stones represent bad aspects of character. Clay, though, has potential to be shaped, and I think it can eventually turn into either stone or gold (just go with the analogy here, don't think too hard about the chemistry of that). In other words, as people grow older they create more stone or gold in their hearts - more self-centredness or kindness, more bitterness or joyfulness, more short-temperedness or graciousness...

And the scary and beautiful thing is that I think other people can have a huge affect on what sort of character traits develop in people. Scary because people often promote bad character traits in people, but beautiful when we encourage each other on toward goodness.

So, my thought was simple - see the good in other people and encourage that good in them. Praise them for it, rather than picking on their flaws. Because I think that's a great way to actually help the good in other people grow and at the same time make them feel less gloomy.

PS: If you read this, how about leaving a comment? I like comments =)

The challenge of what my life is about

My life has typically been about me. It's so easy to put myself first. Not only first, but way before other people in terms of priority, focus, and energy. I think I tend to do this because I think I need to put priority on me for my life to be the wonderful personal utopia that our Western culture tells me I should have. But lately I've started seeing that this selfish focus is not what makes our lives full, but what strips them of the very things we want.

It's the sort of silly-sounding idea that Jesus spoke of, that those who "find their lives will lose them, but those who lose their lives for his sake will find them." (Although I suspect this verse is based more in a martyrdom theology than in social psychological theory, and more about being willing to die to Jesus' and his cause than what I'm using it for, but I'll say it anyway.) My point is this, that by giving some other people equal (or greater) priority as ourselves our own lives become far richer, "bigger" and more complete than if we are selfish. Our world isn't a one-person world that revolves around ourselves, but instead is filled with other people we love.

It has been an ongoing challenge for me to actually be less self-centred. I often speak warmly of the concept and idealise it, but my life doesn't change. And I think I've worked out why: I'm too afraid I'll somehow come out worse off, I am not sure I'm willing to take the risk of really loving other people like this. I mean, if I let go of myself - maybe I really will lose myself. It's hard enough having my own life to worry about, let alone expanding my heart to include more people.

And I'm still figuring out how to really put this idea into practice. But I think I've stumbled on a helpful concept. I've realised that I have been trying to my my life special. My hopes, dreams, and aspirations have all been centred around trying to make my experience of life good. But what if I instead made my aspirations, dreams, and goals about making the lives of those I love good and special? What if my life's work was not about me, but about giving joy, friendship, love and life to others? What if my life was not so much about me, but instead about other people?

This idea sounds both appealing and frightening to me. It sounds noble and wonderful and honourable and good; and scary and risky and difficult and difficult and difficult... I know it's easier said than done. I know I need people who have mastered some of this art of real love more than I have to show me how it's done. And I'm excited and a little afraid of the prospect of slowly, painfully slowly, learning this art myself - but I think I'll be glad I did, so I hope I'm bold enough to try.

Becoming gods

I chose that title purely to get your attention, but it is relevant... as you'll see. Irenaeus wrote:

"we have not been made gods from the beginning, but at first merely men, then at length gods...." [Irenaeus, Against Heresies 4:38:4, in ANF 1:522.]

What I'm about to say might not have been Irenaeus' point, but I'll say it because I think it's true anyway...

These days, I think we don't appreciate spiritual growth nearly as much as we could, or perhaps should. There are many ways in which Christianity is significant for people.

It can be something that meets my needs. It becomes for me. I am hurt, I am fearful, I feel sinful and bad and I find acceptance and love from God. This can be true and important and good.

It can be about what I do for others. Something from me. I help others, I show compassion, I give my time and energy and friendship and love for the sake of those around me. This also can be true and important and good.

But I have recently been thinking that Christianity is also about who I am. Something in me. It's about my very person, my thoughts, my emotions, my heart - and all those things about who I am that I just can't express.

I think this because I see many people (Christians and others, and myself at times) whose hearts are small, timid, and weak. We live in a generation of lonely people. People who are not satesfied and not able to understand why. People who can hardly handle being alive and scarcely manage being in love. People think it's acceptable that they can be this way, because they have love and acceptance and care from God, and with luck other people. And it is acceptable...

But we could be so much more than small, timid, weak spiritual infants. And I think God wants us to be more, to be more mature, because it's better. I think he wants us to help us become people with hearts that are big, bold and strong. Not always remaining as children - with childish minds and feelings and problems - but becoming fathers and mothers, grandfathers and grandmothers... The wise old men and women we look up to because they are people who have learned to be people well.

This ties in with my previous post about salvation. I don't think God wants to save us so that we can merely be forgiven of our shortcomings and not feel so bad about our faults. He surely doesn't want to leave us as we are - children. He wants us to grow. You could even say he's saved us from the death of not growing into life... because to live is to grow. He wants us to transform us, to teach us the art of living. The skill, the discipline, the art, and the beauty of being people who are people well, people who are truly alive. He wants to give us the wonderful pleasure of becoming persons with hearts that aren't immature, but have become and continue to become like God's heart. Because I think it is wonderful that in this way we should become, so to speak, little "gods".

I want to be one.

Same-ness

Let me break the silence of my blog with something different - sameness...

Today, I hit snooze. Same as usual.

I got up and biked to work the same way I always do. My front gear changer was the same – broken. I parked in the same inadequate bike rack. Wore the same shoes. Sat at the same desk doing the same tedious work. And talked to the same people about the same things. The problem with the photocopier was fixed, but won’t be long before the same thing happens again. At least I didn’t need to worry about all my work, it was the same. Looked outside to see the same view through the same little windows while uncomfortably hot because the same feeble air conditioner was running just the same – pathetically. So pathetically that it would make you angry, if you were in the same position.

My work mate speaks Russian on the telephone, but to me it all sounds the same. So, I biked home through the park, noticed the same ducks. My insurance bill had arrived, but I didn’t need to worry about it either – it was the same as last year’s.

So now I sit here at the same computer wearing the same glasses with the same hair-style as usual, looking at my cactus plant that looks just the same even though I’m told it’s growing. My table is the same. My CDs are the same. My room, my car, my interests, what I do with my time, my friends… I – am the same.

In fact, there’s really only one thing that is out of the ordinary – I’ve realised how much things are the same! Of course, that got me thinking how much things are different… like the fact that today I cleaned a BBQ that wasn’t even mine. And today there were an unusually large number of ducks swimming in Hagley Park pond.

So how much of life is the same, and how much is different? Is there a certain ratio that’s good?

I think it’s easy to notice the different things that happen to us, and imagine that they make life varied and interesting. But they don’t. We expect new and different situations to arise – the unexpected is the same. I don’t often think of my reactions and the things I choose to do, and how much they are the same. Yet, I think they are far more important.

Getting into a mental rut is boring, because it fills my life with sameness… day after day. It’s not that the world not exciting and dynamic and full of exciting adventures just waiting to be enjoyed, it’s that I’m the same. I choose to be the same, act the same, think the same.

Why don’t I do something different? Why not add a deliberate non-sameness to my life, and choose to do something unusual each day? I suppose sameness is comforting. It doesn’t require us to learn anything new, or experience anything different… sameness affords us certainty of the future. It’s like animals that are raised in captivity when they are released into the wild and are too afraid of new things to be free. That is what sameness does to people.

After all, we are free. So why imprison myself in the chains of sameness, all the time wishing that my life could be different. Not much different, I think – but just not the same. Cause that’s the other thing about sameness, it doesn’t give us a chance to grow. Living the same is like a great deciduous oak tree that has dried up and died – it just sits there, the same. But if the same oak is alive, it goes through the splendid changes of the seasons. In spring the leaves burst out and change its colour, which turns brilliant orange in autumn and makes fun piles of leaves to play in.

If a tree can know how to escape sameness, maybe I can too.

Who I used to be

I like who I used to be. As a child, I had so much fun and was a lovely kid. In my teenage years I had my troubles, but it was a great learning time. When I was 20, though, I had it all together.

My world was full of ideals. Everything could be solved easily so long as I thought about it hard enough and applied logical ideas. Nothing was a problem, only a challenge to be conquered victoriously. The few problems in my life seemed quite small compared to the general feeling of “life is good” that I had.

I was the ruler of my world at 20. I had grown up and conquered the world. Academically, I had won. Friends, I had been lucky enough to get. Free time was easy to come by easy to enjoy. I could be who I wanted to be, and nothing was standing in the way. Little was I troubled by the world outside the one I wanted to see.

In the last three years, almost all of that has changed. I have grown up a great deal, and realised I wish I could be 20 again. It was easier then. It was fun then.

What happened? I suppose I learned my ideals just didn’t line up with the real world. Problems came that I realised I couldn’t solve, and I didn’t even know where to begin. My free time, my hobbies, many of my friends, my technical competence, my care-free and untroubled thoughts – all seemed lost.

It was like I had been travelling across some great land on a great adventure, and I had learned all about how to travel well. I knew what I needed to. I had the right gear. I was fit and experienced at crossing the plains, mountains, valleys, wilderness, and highways. Then suddenly the land ended, like cartoon Coyote chasing after Roadrunner and suddenly running off a cliff. There’s that moment when he’s hovering in the air and looks down to the chasm beneath him with a comical look of horror. Then, he falls down the absurdly deep canyon while accompanied by an equally comical whistling sound and lands unharmed in a puff of dust.

But when I fell, I didn’t hit land. I found myself suddenly learning to swim in a raging ocean. None of my previous experience had prepared me for it or helped me deal with it. I was a complete novice. In many ways I still feel that way.

I wish I could recapture some of the things I loved about being 20. Perhaps my happiness then stemmed from my naivety, so maybe I can never get that sort of happiness back. There must be a kind of happiness living in the real world, though, when we learn to somehow ride the churning chaos and tide of life beneath us.

But where is that happiness? Where do you look for happiness when you realise the happiness you were chasing was just a mirage?

Oh, I know all the “right” answers… the ones that come from idealised views of life and people. But the real world isn’t like that. The real world isn’t “right”. And somehow I think finding happiness is like a skill that you cannot simply “know” because it must be learned. There are no answers, only problems. It’s like learning to ride a bike.

I need to learn. I need to learn to find happiness amidst the trouble, and peace among the turmoil. Find love through pain. Find contentment that does not come from competence or tranquillity, but the contentment that comes from simply surviving through life’s thunderstorms and hurricanes. I must find enjoyment despite my cynicism. Hope despite my broken dreams. I must no longer compare my life with an unrealistic ideal, and instead look at how far I have come.

When I was young, I thought flying to the moon would be nice. Now, just seeing the moon is nice.

I would go outside at midnight and wonder the mysteries of the stars. Now, I go to bed and sleep.

I had visions of being the leader of great world-changing company. Now, it’s hard enough just having a job.

I dreamt of a life without problems, but now I realise it’s those problems that really make life what it is. So, now I wish I could better deal with the problems I have.

It all seems to be far more glum than when I was younger. But, I don’t think I’ve changed – I think I’ve just tasted the real world for the first time. What’s worse is I’m not sure it gets better – because from what I can tell it only gets harder. The waves are larger and the winds stronger. I’ll look back on this time and think it was easy, but I wish I could think that now.

Have I lost my passion for life? Have I lost some precious essense of youth, like forgetting where I put my car keys? And if I have, how can find it again? Is it possible? Do I even want it back? At what cost have I lost it, or have I found something else? And if something else, what?...

Do you see how many unanswered questions I have now? =)

Psychology of Christianity

How much does our psychology affect our understanding of Christianity? After some thought, I decided it must have a very significant affect. Our psychology affects how we percieve and relate with the world, and spiritual matters are inherently connected with the physical world, so why would spiritual matters be unnaffected?

People's mindsets strongly control over their perception of Christianity - so much so I think we all underestimate the extent of this influence. In my own case, I think the factors of my upbringing and past have made me place great importance on building loving relationships by being a Godly person. Obviously, this isn't a bad thing, and it certainly makes me aware of this theme in the Bible.

However, I wonder how much it also blinds me to how others view Christianity, and perhaps other aspects of the faith. It seems our subconcious can block things from our awareness or attention without our even realising it, and I believe our Christianity is no exception. There are, it seems, two ways of dealing with the challenge of maturing as a person... The first is to accept the challenge and courageously grow stronger to meet it - the second is to ignore it and remain the same. The first is often painful, the second seems less so.

When I find something that challenges my faith, my way of living, my security, or even my very identity - I generally try to have enough courage to accept it and seek to grow from it. I accept I do not know it all, and need to grow. I do not base my identity in being sure of what I know, or in knowing everything, or in being right, or in being "good". Far from it, I identify myself far more with learning, growth, and development that with being all knowing, all wise, or all good. I am secure in how I deal with problems, not because I don't have anything to worry about.

Persons who lack such courage, however, do not seem to have such a will to learn and grow and develop. They seek to protect their sense of identity from the challenge that - if they were to accept it - would mean they weren't quite as knowledgeable, wise, or good as they thought they were. They train their mind not to adapt and grow in strength by dealing with new challenges, but to protect itself from challenges dealing with them brings pain. Indeed, it seems their minds fortify their own stability at the cost of decreasing their ability to deal with new challenge.

The result is that their subconcious blinds them to the things that they don't want to see. They can't even contemplate what they are not seeing, because their minds block even thinking about it. In Christianity, this often takes the form of suppressing doubts and anything that would bring their beliefs into question. In other words, they become bound by their own fear to grow and mature as Christians and suffer the emotional pain that comes from maturing.

I struggle to think of examples of this subtle trickery our the subconcious as it is more about the way we think, rather than what we think. Perhaps, it is why when some people read the Bible, some teachings just don't seem to register. And, if an undesirable challenge is raised with them, they simply reject it - finding "reasons" or by "forgetting" that it was raised at all. The result is their Christianity becomes one based on a Bible full of holes, and they do not accept any notions that perhaps there is more to it than they believe.

The most common things left out are, of course, the challenging teachings. Parts of the Bible that clearly state the necessity to forsake sinful things and to live a disciplined and truly devoted life are somehow glossed over and never mentioned. The mind protects what it holds dear, and if someone holds onto sinful things or an undisciplined lifestyle, their mind will do whatever it can to ignore challenges to what it wants to keep. And they justify their ignorance. "We don't need to be disciplined, for we're under grace." "God always forgives us, and loves us just the same no matter what we do." "Oh, God doesn't expect us to be perfect..." "It's so hard to not be influenced by the sinful things of the world, God will understand."

People don't even realise they're justifying themselves so that they don't have to face the challenge of reality. Yet, what's worse - far worse I think - is creating a faith that justifies what they want... What becomes of Christianity when it is used as a phychological drug to cover over the real issues? What happens when you stop wanting to learn more and more of God's true character and how He wants us to be, and instead believe God to be how you want Him to be?

"Each of us has a hole in our hearts that only God can fill... Just accept Him, and He will fill it." No, just invent Him and He will fill it - your very own custom-designed God... He'll be everything you want. He'll "love" you no matter what, and because of this "love" He won't care if you stay as a spiritual infant and won't challenge you at all to become more like Christ. He'll forgive you always, so you know everything you do is "alright". He'll always "be with you", to comfort you and give you warm fuzzy emotions when life actually challenges you.

In fact, this "God" is everything that "solves" all the emotional problems you have. If you feel alone, "He's there". Tired, "He gives strength." In financial trouble, "He provides." In danger, "He's in control." In sickness, "He'll heal you," but if He doesn't, "It was His will." When things go well, "God is blessing you." When things don't go well, "It's all for the best." When you find something or someone you want, "I feel God's telling me..." The list is endless.

The sad thing is that many times nothing really changes. The God who created them would probably love to help them, but they don't really know Him - they only know the God they created. In other words, by decieving themselves with a false god who makes them feel better, they block the way for a true relationship with God to really help them mature to truly overcome the problems of this world.

I believe God does not want to remove our problems or remove us from them - He wants them to be His tools to fashion us into maturity, and the likeness of His own character. So, naturally, by not dealing with problems we fail to use them to mature. Instead, failure to mature through problem-solving is characterised by immature faith - one based on a God we want and reality we invent to suit us. No one can persuade such a person that reality differs from their imaginations, for their own minds will prevent them understanding it. There is only one way such people can change their immature faith, and it is by being committed to maturity and the reality it is founded on. This is my committment. So, while I know I still have plenty of psychological barriers to having truly Godly character, I know I am heading in the right direction.

Friendship

How much do our friends become part of us? This was my thought this morning. Many of my friends are away for the summer, and I feel like I’m in a way missing parts of myself. I initially thought this was quite weak really – that I should be so affected by my friends.

But then I realised that’s the whole marvellous thing about friendship – that you let other people have a place in your heart. Obviously, when they go, you’ll miss them – and you’ll miss the piece of your heart they fill.

I used to think that if I were mature enough I should be quite happy being perfectly alone. An almost oriental idea, isn’t it? But fortunately I have learned the value of friendship. It’s something I find myself reflecting on quite a bit, promising myself never to take friendship for granted.

But then, it strikes me how our friendships are on so many different levels. I wonder if my friendships are at good levels. Then I read in the Bible how “this is how they will know you are my disciples, that you love one another,” (Joh 13:35) and “We understand what love is when we realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers.” (1 John 3:16). And upon reading that, I conclude my friendships are by in large much shallower than they ought to be.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have friends who, as I mentioned, I treasure. But how much do I love them? Would I die for them? These are challenging thoughts I find, because I’m not sure I’d be willing to die for many people, if any. Of course, I’d like to think I could rise to the heights of noble love and, like the proverbial stranger saving a child from a bus and being killed himself, lay down my life for others. But when it comes down to it, I’m really not sure I’m more self-centered than I think I am… and I already think I’m quite self-centered… but then we all are… that’s another post.

Which makes me wonder how I could become more loving a less self-centered… to be more of a true friend, who’s interest lies with others instead of myself. Of course, I should ‘be more like Christ’, and other such well-known answers. But I know saying these things is merely talking of nice ideas that never actually make me change anything.

No, it’s quite clear to me when I think about it. As I thought about Mat 25:42-46 it hit me how practical Jesus’ advice is. I cannot ‘love my friends more’ in my mind without doing anything to actually be more loving toward them. If I want to be more loving, I must love more. I must be more kind and generous in practical ways – because I cannot pretend to be more kind and generous than I actually am, otherwise I would be a hypocrite, deceiving myself.

It’s the little things in life that reveal our character. It’s in those little things that I could show love, things like getting someone a drink, doing the dishes, actually listening when someone’s talking to me… the list goes on and on.

So, I could improve my friendships by being a better friend. Nothing new there. It reminds me of a quote: “the only consistent thing about all your dissatisfying relationships is you.”

If I want more friends, I know how to go about it. But the irony is I’ve already decided how many friends I want by how I live. And so, I wonder if I really want more friends… or whether I just dissatisfied because I’m not being a good friend to the friends I have, and my friendships aren’t as close as I’d like them to be. I wonder if other people have this trouble.

After all, you can’t be close friends with everybody. You only have so much time in the day, and you can’t spend all day with everyone. So, it makes me realise it’s probably quite necessary to have some friends who are closer than others (again, hardly a breathtaking revelation). And I guess that’s the way it works: many shallower friendships, or fewer deep ones.

I wish it didn’t work that way.

Yet, you can be friendly to everybody… even strangers. And that I think is the challenge, the simple act of putting the happiness of others before one’s own, as one goes about daily life. If only it were that easy to do.

Brings me back to a comment I’ve made before about self-centeredness. It truly is the root of everything evil.

So, I think I’ll try and be a bit less self-centered, and be a better friend to those I know.

The wonder of doubt

Doubt, I think, is the sign of a healthy mind. See, I’m not even sure. But that is exactly why it is healthy, because if I doubt my own ideas it at least means I’m not so foolish to think my own ideas are always right, and at most it most encourage me to find the right idea.

So, it’s a pity doubt is so frowned upon – particularly in Christian circles, where I think a good bit of doubt could do some serious good. Doubt is the soil out of which knowledge grows, and if you take away the opportunity to doubt, lo and behold you are brainwashed.

I doubt everything. I doubt myself. I doubt whether I am good, and I seek to find reasons why I am not, and reasons why I am. It lets me see myself in perspective. I doubt others. I doubt whether anything they say is true; and I seek reasons why what they say is false, and why is it not.

In the end, I find what they say is true about as much as what I say is true – and that we are both entirely prone to error… errors of logic, errors of discernment, errors of character… so many errors. Which is why I doubt myself so much, because if other people are often mistaken – what makes me think I would be any different?

We have limited knowledge and so should have an appropriate caution about what we do with that knowledge. At most, we are only doing what we think is best given what we know. Even the worst criminals and most rebellious teenagers are doing what they consider best given what they think. What they think is based on their experiences. The problem is that their thoughts are often unhelpful to themselves or to others.

And that’s where a good measure of doubt would be useful, because doubt encourages us to seek out more information on which we can base our ideas – and that makes us wiser. As an example, Jesus didn’t criticise Thomas for doubting, He simply filled in the gaps of his doubt by showing him his hands and feet. Thomas was being careful about what he believed, and that, I think, is a good lesson.

So, needless to say, I think little of the idea that doubt somehow has no place in Christianity. I have heard of “blind faith”, and people quoting “we walk by faith, and not by sight”. They conclude we must not doubt anything about God or Scripture, for real faith does not doubt – and I can well understand why they’d think that. Most Bibles use ‘doubt’ for a Greek word which means “to waver”, with reference to the word for ‘faith’.

As discussed previously on this blog and on Andrew’s, this word for ‘faith’ means not belief, but carries ideas of devotion and faithfulness. So, really, being unwavering in devotion is really quite different to having doubts. In fact, true devotion is being committed in spite of doubts. It does not mean we as Christians should not have doubts, but that we should remain committed in our devotion to God.

I question whether God even exists, although such doubt is vastly outweighed by the reasons I have to believe He does. So, I decide, based on my limited knowledge, to believe He exists. Thus, I choose to devote my life to Him, who is my rightful King. But that doesn’t mean I have no doubts – it simply means I am devoted in spite of them.

In the same way, perhaps the landlord of my flat does not actually own the property, and so does not actually deserve my rent. Yet, I believe he does, and so I faithfully pay. Perhaps the account number I was given to pay the rent was incorrect, yet I believe it was correct and so I pay it.

I suppose the conclusion is this: that what we believe is never certain, but that we must believe something whether we want to or not if we are to do something about it. If something is true and right, it should withstand as much doubt and sensible questioning as we can throw at it, while if it is not it will be revealed as such. And so, I am comfortable to question everything, including myself, because I know it will shed light on what is real and dispel the shadows of what is not. And, as what I see is of a God who deserves my devotion, I will be devoted to Him, even though I still have unanswered questions and things I do not know for sure. As I grow up I am more and more convinced about a loving God, and so I am confident questioning things will reveal Him more.

Interesting.

The curse of media

So now is the time I unleash my full tamed-down attack on music and television shows that aren’t good for people. If a song or program has a negative influence on people, then it is not worth listening to – in fact, it is bad to listen to. There are two issues here, the former being the main one: 1) The influence the music we listen to and TV we watch have on us. 2) Specifically regarding Christian music, what attitudes, values, and ‘spirit’ people perceive in music – is it a light to the world?

1) The way music and TV influence us

Music and TV. Next time you listen or watch some, try and figure out what effect it has on your mind. Let’s consider music today. Turn on the radio and your ears will soon be filled with talk of sex, anger, rebellion, confusion, and general poor thinking. How can it not affect us? Surely it already has!

I believe we tend to become like the people we associate with, and I think a similar thing applies to what we watch and what we listen to. So, if a person was screaming their lungs out angrily right beside you, then you’d recognise the mood of anger in their voice, and surely you’d be affected in some way. Likewise, if someone keeps talking about how attractive some girl is, or how much they hate something, or generally speaking with some attitude, I think we pick some of that up – even without meaning to. You pick up the attitudes of those who are around you – the people you spend time with. Why would it be any different if those people are in the TV or stereo rather than standing beside you?

As far as music goes, I think most people can figure out whether the words of a song a health or unhealthy to listen to, but I think the ‘attitude’ of a song is reflected not only in the words, but in the music itself. This, I think, is the point where there is confusion and controversy. I think music connects with our emotions. We are influenced not just by the words of the music but by its ‘sound’ – its spirit – whether we admit it or not.

As an example, it is no secret that I don’t like ‘heavy’ music. The reason is simple; it doesn’t make me feel any better, in fact I think it has a bad influence on me. Sure, heavy music is aggressive and driven and purposeful and heart-felt and it ‘sounds cool’ – but what do you feel like once you’ve listened to it? I think heavy music is ‘cool’ and I totally understand how people can like it, but I choose not to like it because I find it doesn’t have a good influence on me.

Most of the time, ‘heavy music’ is accompanied by screamed or yelled vocals… The words are only part of what the song conveys to the listener, which is the sum of the words themselves AND the music. I do not believe screamed vocals simply ‘sound cool’ - for such vocals are far from conveying anything like peace, love, hope, or goodness. I suggest that people think it’s cool because it’s angry and opinionated, strong-willed and unwilling to be silenced. People think it’s cool to be shouting out your point at the top of your lungs and breaking the mould and bucking the trend and being different. People think it’s cool to not go with the flow and not accept what everyone else is telling you. Our parents called this rebellion. As Christians, we are called to be not just different and bread the mould, but to be different in a noticeably Godly way. Just because something’s common, it doesn’t change what it is. Just because we’re used to something, it doesn’t make it good for us.

It comes down to this: why do we listen to the music we choose to? The answer, whatever it is, is surely more than mere entertainment. I think we want the music to influence our thoughts and emotions in a certain way – maybe sometimes it is to make us feel more justified about our attitudes, maybe sometimes it’s to change our attitude. Now sure, you can say – ‘it doesn’t have a bad influence on me – it just how the artist was feeling. They have a right to express their feelings.’ But that’s not my point, my question lies in why we choose to listen to those particular things. Why do we like the music we do?

I don’t think it is good listen to music that sounds angry, or rebellious, or arrogant, or perverse, or self-righteous, or mocking. It might be cool, but it might be harmful. Personally, some music makes me have thoughts that are a little more arrogant, a little more angry, a little more rebellious and outspoken, a little less Godly, a little bit more self-righteous or a little bit more like my opinions are more valuable that everyone else’s. Music influences me to think in a way that is reflected in the song – not just the words, but the whole attitude encompassed by the words and the music.

It’s a fact that people like a song mostly because of its ‘sound’ and not by the actual words of the song (and yes, this has been studied by lots of radio companies – guess why all the music on a certain station sounds the same…). So, I suggest that because a large part of why we like certain music is the ‘sound’ of the music, we associate ourselves with that ‘sound’ – and it influences us. Some music influences us in a Godly way, some is the opposite. We should recognise which is which.

Now popular television programs are there to ‘entertain’ us. But apart from wasting our time, television fills our minds with ideals to compare our lives with and things we wish we had. We see a home renovation program and we start to think ‘my house could be better too’. We become engrossed in the dramas that unfold, and we begin to accept such drama as ‘normal’. Pop stars and celebrities are idolised – and we begin to idolise them also. There are emotional battles on screen and after a while, we cease to recognise unhealthy ways to relate to people because we start to imitate what we see. We may not DO the bad things we see, but we begin to accept them. We may not be like the people we see on TV, but we start to accept them anyway. And because we accept them, we accept their behaviour and attitude.

Television blurs the distinction between helpful and harmful thoughts – and it puts ideas into our heads whether we like it or not. You can’t convince me that romantic chick flicks don’t put thoughts in girls heads – just like you can’t make me think sex scenes in movies don’t put thoughts in guys heads. You can say they don’t affect you when you see them, but you know they do. The more we see, the more we accept the thoughts. The more we accept it, the less we recognise them for what they are – selfishness, lust, negative comparison, dissatisfaction… the list goes on. It is no wonder that so many people are struggling to find enjoyment in life these days, because the path to truly enjoying life is to live and think in good ways. The media has introduced bad ideas dressed as acceptable ones and made the path difficult to see.

I don’t watch TV, and I don’t listen to the radio. I don’t miss them, and I am a much happier person because of it. Instead, I base my attitudes and thoughts on the reliable principles given by God, and as I live according to them I find them to be true. What comes out in your life is the result of what comes out of your mind, and what comes out of your mind is the result of what you feed into it. So, I listen to music that only stirs me toward good things, like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, contentment, happiness, and Godliness; and I encourage others to do the same.

2) ‘Christian hardcore’ music – how is it seen by the world? Is it a Godly light?

If music affects us in its entirety; and not just because of the words themselves, then what should we think about music that imitates non-Christian music in ‘sound’, and differs only in what the words say? This is probably not just limited to ‘Christian hardcore’ music – it applies to a range of genres, but it serves as an example.

I think music is noticeably different if it has a noticeably different influence on the listener. Of course, Christian words will be different to non-Christian words with swearing every 5 seconds and general bad taste – but what about the ‘sound’ of the music. It strikes me as strange that Christian bands are trying to imitate the musical ‘sound’/mood of non-Christian bands. I think the ‘sound’ of the music reflects the attitudes that go along with that ‘sound’ – and so I view these Christian bands as trying to present Christian messages with non-Christian attitude.

Surely that seems a bit strange? Surely the attitudes of Christians should be distinct from non-Christians – there should be a difference, and it should be apparent that our lives and our attitudes and thoughts are different. What’s different about ‘Christian hardcore’ compared to ‘non-Christian hardcore’? Some would say the words and motivation of the music are different so that makes the music ‘good and Christian’. I say that words are only part of it – and the musical style and ‘sound’ portrays the same ‘spirit’ regardless of what the words are. I don’t really think the motivation (or intended meaning) of a song can have any influence on the listener if it is far from obvious.

Now I guess ‘Christian hardcore’ music, for instance, can act as a channel to communicate Godly messages to non-Christians who like that sort of music. But what does this sort of music convey to people who don’t like that sort of music? There’s a big difference between someone not liking a style of music and someone actually finding it offensive. I don’t mind some heavy music, I think it does sound cool, but I find it offensive because of the attitude I think it’s conveying to me. Now, I’m sure Christian bands don’t want to convey bad attitudes – but what good are their intentions if that’s not what someone perceives they are conveying?

So there are two sub-issues here: 1) Christian hardcore music as a means of communicating Godly words to non-Christians who like hardcore music. 2) How people who don’t like the style perceive it.

The first issue I think is quite possibly a good thing. The second issue I am not so sure about. I don’t think it’s very Christian to offend people – and I don’t think it paints a good picture of Christians if they are offensive. Furthermore, if the ‘sound’ of Christian hardcore music contains a spirit that has some bad attitudes in it – and let me leave you in no doubt that I think it does – then what does that leave other people like me thinking? I’m sure not everyone’s like me, but maybe some are.

Maybe Christian hardcore is a good means of reaching non-Christians – but I seriously question why Christians should like it… not that they DO like it – but that they should.

I think music was made to praise God and rejuvenate and refresh the spirit toward Godly thoughts. And somehow, I just can’t see Jesus screaming into a microphone into a wall of sound – so loud people get hearing damage and can’t really hear what he’s saying anyway. I don’t think Jesus needed to butter up His message with music to make people listen to it – and I don’t think He would have. This is a challenging thought for me as a songwriter and musician. I don’t think He would have hung around very long trying to persuade people who reject Him and what He said, and instead gone to the sick and the needy and the people who wanted to hear and talk to Him.

But then, I guess this is not the 1^st century, and we’re not Jesus.

Stupid people... spatial reasoning and imagination

I am currently marking a 2nd year design test. I just gave someone a total mark of 6 out of 45. I don't feel good about this, but I cannot justly give him any more... I was even generous. So, as I walked to get lunch I thought about this. This is an interruption of my series of posts on the fruits of the spirit.


I decided that if people are not metacognitive, they really are in trouble at university. The vast majority at uni probably have this skill, but some clearly do not. I realised that if you can't look at a problem and think things like, "where do I start?" and "what is this asking me to do?" and "what is the relevant information connected to this problem?", you really have a problem - it's not a small problem either. I think this would lead to the person quite literally staring at a problem with no thoughts at all... if they can't realise what they're thinking, how can they think at all? If you can't ask yourself in your head, "what does this problem require me to do?" you have nothing at all to hang an answer on - you won't even think of an answer if you don't even know there IS a question!

So, evidently, such people just sit and stare... in this case - they draw a few lines on a page that look like the drawing on the question sheet. It's not what was asked for - but it's something. Of course, technical drawing requires powers of spatial reasoning - which, incidentally, is significantly improved by playing music - the link has more info. Spatial-temporal reasoning involves transforming and relating mental images in space and time. Spatial-temporal reasoning differs to language-analytic reasoning; generally, the sciences typically involve spatial-temporal reasoning, while arts and more language-analytic reasoning.

Some people evidently have not developed spatial reasoning and/or language-analytic reasoning. My heart really goes out to such people - especially knowing what they're going to get on this test. I wish I could help them. It is a passion of mine to help people in their minds. Unfortunately, minds are complex things.

Sometimes, I think that's why I really should write a book about this. It would require lots of research and revelation from God, but I would love to get down some things that could actually help people think better. Sadly, the people who would need to read the book probably wouldn't be the type of people who read, and even if they did they probably wouldn't understand it. Makes me think the speech-and-language-theory people have the right approach - one on one helping people.

Sadly, it is difficult for me to explain things to people who don't think metacognitively - because my thoughts and explainations are based on metacognitive processes. So, it is a sad irony - the people who might be able to help can't explain it to the people that they're trying to help.

That's why I wrote on an earlier post that it is crucial that people get taught well growing up - because once their brain is wired into thinking a certain way, they are closed to new ways of thinking. They literally cannot imagine thinking that way, and therefore they cannot.

Creative imagination is more that a nice daydream, it is the essence of developing new mental processes.

I only thought of that then, but it seems most smart people are creative, so perhaps it's right. Imagination is in essence the skill of creating something that did not exist before in your mind... it is the process that builds mental constructs onto which new ideas can be hung. Imagination builds the framework of our intelligence.

When I was young, I imagined heaps of stuff... I lived in an exciting world where I imagined stuff that made life always an adventure. I think it's more than just being 'a cute kid' to play such games, for they are crucial to development. What's more - I think it's important that we continue to imagine. Maybe we aren't going to imagine that we're King Arthur while waving a small stick around anymore, but the things we imagine are more advanced. Imagination is not limited to visual images, but can involve a whole lot of things.

It is a fact that you can learn to do something better if you imagine yourself doing it well, take sport for example. I think this is because imagining doing it well builds new mental framework onto which you can actually learn to do it well. If you can't imagine doing it better, there is nothing to build on - and maybe you won't be able to get better.


All this is very interesting, and far more deep than I had anticipated as I vented on stupid people. I hope you have found this interesting also.

The worth of jars of clay

I had to write this down now before I forget. Some comments got me thinking about our sense of self-worth... which I have learned lots about this year. I have learned that fulfilment is less about me being or doing anything worthwhile, but it is in the worthiness of God within me that I find my own.

When I was young, I used to think that I should have implied worth. This is the type where our sense of worth comes from what others tell us - in fact, we have implied worth solely because others suggest so. For instance, most television programs and sports games have implied worth - everyone says they are worth watching. The All Blacks have implied worth, because the nation holds up them as our representatives in rugby - a process where a ball is passed and kicked around for little benefit for society. Niether rugby, nor the players themselves would be worth anything unless other people believed them to be worth something.

Basing our sense of self-worth on implied worth works for many people - the attractive, the popular, those in their respected circles of friends - because all their friends tell them verbally and non-verbally that they are worth something to their friends. But what happens when people start telling you the opposite? How do you feel when people start telling you that you don't matter to them, and they do everything they can to let you know that they think you are the most useless, pathetic, and unworthy loser on the face of the planet?

Here's how I felt: I felt I had a choice. Not many people realise they have this choice, but it's there... You can choose to base your self-worth on what others say about you, or on who you are. When people aren't saying the nicest things, the first option leads down the familar road to depression, so it is the second road that I chose.

I based my sense of self-worth on intrinsic worth. This type of worth demands a great deal of effort to maintain. There are two different flavours of intrinsic worth. The first type is based on what you do. You have to earn worth by your good deeds, your kind acts, even your excellent works. I tried this path also, and I did well. I excelled at everything I tried (I didn't try the things I wasn't good at, of course). The A+'s became the foundation of my happiness. It wasn't about competition - I didn't care about the other people, and I always knew there would be someone better than me. I was about achieving to the best of my ability. So long as I did that, I fulfilled my sense of intrinsic self-worth.

But soon I realised life is more than about what we achieve, it is about who we are. After tasting the flavour of achievement-based intrinsic self-worth for many years, I found the taste of state-based intrinsic self-worth. This type is based on our character - the condition of our mind, our heart, our love, our fruit of the spirit. This was surely where to base one's sense of worth, I thought. After a few years, though, I discovered that this type of intrinsic self-worth leaves something to be desired - something missing. It was something I was missing, like when you look for your glasses all over before realising they were on your head all the time. I had a fine sense of intrinsic self-worth, yet I felt I was missing a whole second type of worth that I hadn't yet discovered.

And then I found it. Yes, there is intrinsic worth, but there is also a far greater kind of extrinsic worth. This second type comes not from what we do or what we are, but from something bigger than ourselves. Like a link in a part of a chain, its worth comes not from the fact that it is a link, but that it is a link in the chain. This kind of value is not found in us - but in God.

We are jars of clay. It is not the fact that we are jars that gives us worth, nor is it the fact that we are made of clay. Nor would a given vessel be of any more worth if it were used by someone of great importance - for the vessel is not the important thing, it is rather what it contains! We contain the Holy Spirit. How exceedingly more important is the Spirit of the Living God that we contain than the earthen clay that we are?

I wish to expand this analogy more, to tie in intrinsic worth to this greater category of extrinsic worth. Just as a chain link is important because of its function, so is a clay jar. Everyone is a jar of some description, but there are differences in the clay. Some clay is riddled with sin, that oozes green corrosive, toxic liquid into the vessel. This corrosive liquid not only hurts all those who drink it, but it eats away at the vessel itself. Eventually, the liquid breaks through the wall and forms holes. Now, the toxic product of sin not only hurts those who drink from the vessel, but it also hurts those who happen to be under the leaking cup as it passes by.

But what a beautiful thing that God would fill us with His Spirit? How wonderful and healing is His Living Water? And how dreadfully it is tainted by the toxic byproduct of sin! Sadly, there are many filled vessels which are hardly fit for use, for the Water in them is so tainted by the sinful nature of the clay.

But what if the vessel lets the Water permiate its very substance? What if we let the Spirit into all corners and rooms of our heart to go where He please? Ah, how wonderful the transformation! As the Water and clay mix, it produces something entirely different in the clay - a new thing called righteousness. The transformation is not a sudden one, for it can take time to wash away the resilient dirt of sin, and the reaction is invariably slow. But what a difference can be noticed in a vessel made of clay riddled not with sin, but with righteousness!

Instead of toxic byproduct - righteousness oozes the Gifts of the Spirit. This righteous byproduct also taints the Water we contain - but it adds flavour, like lemon to water. And so not only do the righteous vessels contain the pure Spirit of God, but the Spirit delightfully mixed with the unique Gifts that exude from the heart of the vessel. This flavoured water may leak through the holes from sin - but all it will do is show others the water contained within... for God will continually fill us again when we obey His voice.

So then it is perfectly right to expect vessels to differ - from some the Spirit will taste a little bitter, while from others it will taste sweet, while yet others may make it slightly salty. This is the extent of our intrinsic worth, that some have more pleasing flavours than others. But this intrinsic worth pales in comparison to the extrinsic worth that comes from what we contain. A rusty tin is just as good as a silver cup to a man desperate to quench his thirst, and a rusty tin can still be used to give water to the richest king. It is the water that is the main point - it is the water that gives the cup its purpose, its very reason for existing. Likewise, it is not in the clay that we are made of nor in the taints of our substance that we find our worth, but we find true fulfillment because of the Spirit that we contain.

The gluttonous time-eating church and other insidious monsters...

I'm cold, tired, and miserable... At least I'm not sick. =) I'm cold because I just biked home in the rain, tired because I went to a 21st last night, and miserable because I am hopelessly overcommitted. That's why I haven't been posting for a few days. "No one can serve two masters," and yet here's me - trying to serve outragously heaps... Each week, I'm committed as follows:

• In the music team at church (3 hours Thursday, plus an average of 6 hours Sun)
• My Wed night cell group (3 hours), and writing Bible studies for them (6 hours)
• Monday night cell group (3 hours)
• Tuesday night NAVS group (4 hours)
• Gym (3 hours)
  
• Church leader's small group (3 hours every 6 weeks)
• Crazy random church events that I keep on getting roped into.
  
• My two thesis supervisors to do my presentation (about 16 hours total including prep) and write a paper (heaps of hours)
  
• Lecturer of MATH171 for tutoring 7.5 hours a week.
• Lecturer of ENME211 for tutoring CAD 3 hours a week, and marking about 20 hours of assignments (must do before 23 Aug, giving me two weeks)
  
• Lecturer of ENCH263 for marking 40 exam papers - probably take about 30 hours total (must do before 23 Aug, giving me two weeks)
  
• God - trying to do 20-30 hours a week of recording music - needless to say this is not currently not happening at all
  
• God - trying to do the whole morning quiet time/prayer/bible reading thing, also not currently happening much
• Youth music team - heaps of hours
• Cajz - trying to get album made and released (this is also taking plenty of time)
  
• Friends - I think I have to make time for friendship in here...

No wonder I feel overcommitted... I am! Service committments total committments total well in excess of 26 hours. Already my weekly committments total an average of well over 38.5 hours - not including the thesis presentations, paper, marking, music, music team, or cajz. Adding in them - I would hate to think how many hours of work a week I'm actually trying to do. Adding in the marking and presentation preperation alone brings it up to 72 hours. Given that I need 9 hours sleep a night, that gives me 33 hours remaining in the week. I estimate about 12 of them are spent travelling to and from places, 15 on food, and 11 on everyday things that just need doing like washing and dishes and brushing my teeth and stuff. Combined with an average of about 10 hours a week or so for social activity. That gives me a total of -15 free hours in the week. It's no wonder can't seem to get it all done...

*sigh* I can't do it all... I'm not doing even close to all that - it's just not possible. When I've finished the marking, presentation, and paper perhaps things will settle down a little. But I've been holding out for the music thing for sooooo long - we're talking 2 years of planning to do this... and now I have the chance and my time is being hungrily eaten by all these other nice things. Is it good to spend 2 years building up to a project and then not getting a chance to do it because you had your time too spread over other things?

Church is eating up my time like an insidious lizard with a large gluttonous mouth, and I am starved.

Don't get me wrong, I want to do all that I'm involved in... for different reasons. But I can't help but think I need less responsibility. But what do I do? I guess youth music team is probably the first to go - they just assume I'm able to play whenever they want at 5 hours notice anyway, cursed cell phone technology. Wed night cell group is probably the next, as much as I love teaching them and learning myself, and possibly NAVS. I might just flag the thesis paper - it seems unrequired at this state. I might also be able to palm off some marking - that would be nice, but I need the cash because I'm trying to be self-sufficient this year. The Cajz thing remains on the back-burner as always, regrettably along with spending time with God and the Bible.

Ideally, this is how I'd break down my week:

• 35 hours music
• 10.5 hours tutoring - no marking
• 1 hour each day with God and the Bible (7 hours)
  
• Monday night cell (3 hours)
• Tuesday NAVS (4 hours)
• Church music team (6 hours)
  

Bringing it up to 65.5 hours of committed time, but only 16.5 hours service committment. Perhaps I can handle that.

Perhaps I shall have to not be so overcommitted, as it is driving me literally mad. Perhaps I shall have to strike down the time-gluttonous church lizard and give my stupid marking the old heave-ho... go back to being broke, go back on my committment - that sounds so wrong - it's not a committment unless you're committed to it... *sigh again*

I wouldn't have trouble if my music committment was for someone ELSE... that would be easy to defend spending the time when it's for someone else. But I am my own master with recording music, and others don't see any responsibility there - "no, you don't need to commit yourself to your own work - only someone else's," they think... "Sure, God might be saying 'do music', but I better to what the church wants first... and if there's no time left well that's too bad."

It happened to my sister... she ended up feeling like she was no longer serving the church, but chained to it. It's happened to a few other people I know in music teams and ministry. Surely it shouldn't be like that?

Well...

That's another hour gone, =) I best get to work.